Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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