I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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