I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
people are starting to question the shark bite story
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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