Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
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