He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
