I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
you have to choose: penises or morals?
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
