I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Randomize
