He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
