If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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