Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I'm both gender and math confused
Randomize
