I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
