I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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