Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
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