a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Randomize
