Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize