Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
