there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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