We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
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