God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
