Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
He shit in the fireplace
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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