i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize