another moral hangover. fuck.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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