Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
