Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Randomize
