Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
