got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
you will always have a special place in my vag
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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