Greg found me on xtube. Who knew random hook ups would leave their web cams on and upload it. At least it shows off big penis.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
