You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
