the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
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