just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Oh well. haha. i couldn't really understand what she was saying. i just nodded a lot. i guesss she found that sexy.
gotta love spring break
gotta love slutty girls from the south
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize
