You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Randomize
