a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
