Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
