Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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