No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
