in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
