I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
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