I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
