I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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