I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
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