Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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