Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
