she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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