i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
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