I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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