I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
