Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
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