God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Randomize
