quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Randomize
