When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
