I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
