you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Randomize
