I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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