Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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