i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
