Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
