he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
