very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
and she was petting her beer can
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Randomize
