is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
ttyl tear gas
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize
