so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Randomize
