I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Randomize
